


You Matter to Me

by ohmakemeahercules



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arranged Marriage, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lieutenant Killian Jones/Princess Emma Swan, Secret Admirer, anti neal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2019-09-27 17:30:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17166221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmakemeahercules/pseuds/ohmakemeahercules
Summary: Princess Emma has spent years feeling unvalued and unwanted as a person. She is forced into an arranged marriage that ends in disaster. She returns to Misthaven, broken and alone. Her personal maid and close friend Ruby is the only one who knows the truth about the marriage. Ruby encourages Emma to talk to her friend (and secret love interest) Lieutenant Killian Jones of the Royal Navy. The duo has developed a secret friendship, sneaking away to the local town for heart-to-heart talks. Emma knows confiding in Killian would change everything. Is she ready to face the implications of revealing this secret?(title from Sara Bareilles and Jason Mraz's You Matter to Me from Waitress).





	1. Things You Never Quite Say

**Author's Note:**

> (title from Sara Bareilles and Jason Mraz's You Matter to Me from Waitress).
> 
> Tada! Surprise Kaitlyn! Is it I, your 2018 CS Secret Santa. I have had a blast chatting with you. You've made this experience a joy to participate in. We both had bad experiences before. But it's safe to say this one was much better. And will continue because this is only part 1! Still 2 more to go. You mentioned two things in your favorite tropes list: Secret dating and Lieutenant Duckling. I've done neither before, so I decided to put them together. 
> 
> Based on the tags, you all may have guessed what the secret might be. I will not go play by play of the bad experience. Also this will not be pro Neal. (Prince Baelfire in this story). I put M as a rating because part 2 will include references to the implied assault and smut (the good kind). This part is more of a high T due to language. 
> 
> BIG SHOUTOUT to my girl Jordy on Tumblr. This story would not be what it is without her. We were paired once before and I asked her again to beta. We read each other's minds sometimes. Writers dream of having connections like this. Thank you from the bottom of heart. 
> 
> Seaford is a town I made up for the sake the story. 
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy part one of You Matter to Me.

Part 1: Things You Never Quite Say 

A carrier pigeon flew into Princess Emma’s window with a scroll attached to its claw. She didn’t think much of its arrival. The only messages she received anymore were from her parents or various dignitaries requesting miscellaneous favors or requesting her presence at functions she didn’t care about. Not to mention the winter air was blustering in at formidable speed. Hence, she didn’t hurry to retrieve the note. 

This one, however, was different. She gasped once she opened the letter. She’d recognize the swooping handwriting anywhere. It belonged to Lieutenant Killian Jones, an officer in Misthaven’s Royal Navy. They’d become close friends the past few years through secret meeting around Seaford, the port town near the castle. He had been away the past several months on a sailing mission; the princess knew he was due to return soon without an exact date.

 

_ Emma,  _

_ I have returned from the Navy’s long voyage and desperately missed you. Will you meet me by the docks shortly after nightfall?  _

_ Eagerly awaiting your reply,  _

_ Killian.  _

 

“Who’s it from?” Ruby, Emma’s personal hand maid, asked. 

_ Get yourself together. _ “Lieutenant Jones has returned.”

Ruby rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so formal, Emma. It’s from your loverboy, Killian.”

“He’s not my loverboy, Ruby.”

“Then explain why you just gasped like a schoolgirl who just got asked to her first ball.”

_ She’s got a point there.  _ “Regardless, I’m not replying.”

“Why not? You’ve been pining for him ever since he left.”

“He’ll see through my act and ask questions.” 

“That’s a bad thing because?” 

“I’d get comfortable and tell him what happened.”

“He cares about you, Emma. I don’t know where he went, but he probably had the pick of the litter while he was gone. What does he do the second he gets back to Misthaven? Send you a note asking to meet up.”

_ Or he could’ve met someone else and doesn’t want to see me anymore.  _ The thought sickened Emma. Even though he’d never held her in an intimate fashion, she hated the idea of him holding another woman.

Ruby waved her hand. “Emma, where did you go?”

“Nowhere. I’m here.”

“No, you’re not. Look, Killian’s not Fuckface. He won’t hurt you.”

Emma snorted at her friend’s nickname for Baelfire, the prince of neighboring kingdom Hunterfall she had been forced to marry in a predisposed arrangement. She thought it was appropriate but wouldn’t dare admit it publicly. “You’re right. He wouldn’t. Being around him makes me happy.”

“You deserve to be after what you’ve been through. Why deny yourself that pleasure?”

“Okay, I’ll go.” Emma sat down at her desk. “Are you working at Granny’s tonight?”

Ruby hated being cooped up in the castle, so she had gotten a side job at Granny’s, an all-night eatery located in Seaford. She’d established connections with almost every local and met people from lands far and wide, which proved useful on more than one occasion. “Yep. We’ll turn into our alter egos and live it up.”

“You could leave here, you know.”

“I could. But we wouldn’t see each other every day. You know how strict security is around this place.”

Emma nodded. Guards were posted in every room, and visitors were required to give at least two weeks’ notice before being allowed in. “Good point. I’d miss you anyway.”

“Me, too. Hey, our bird friend is waiting for you.”

The pigeon was pacing the windowsill, bobbing its head impatiently. She rolled out a scroll of paper and dipped a quill into an inkwell: 

 

_ Killian,  _

_ Yes, I’ll see you there. I missed you, too.  _

_ Love, _

_ Emma. _

 

_ A fair assessment,  _ Emma decided. She wouldn’t tell him about the nights she dreamed about him while sleeping in a strange and unfamiliar bed, nor how she wished to kiss Killian instead of Prince Baelfire. When she was sentenced to the dungeon, an irrational part of her heart wished he would show up like the knight in shining armour stories she’d heard as a child. 

Alas, the rescue was not meant to be. He probably didn’t know about the marriage. And why should she care if he knew about it or not? They weren’t romantically tied to one another. Sure, they’d hugged longer than publicly acceptable before he left on the mission. He’d promised her he would return safely. She was relieved beyond belief he had followed through on that promise. 

 

“Emma, Killian’s not going to know you’re coming unless you quit daydreaming and give him the message.”

The princess snapped back to reality. “You’re right, Ruby. “ She rolled the scroll closed and wrapped it with the same piece of twine Killian’s had arrived with.  The pigeon stood at attention, as if it recognized Emma had finished the note. 

“I have an important job for you. Find Killian Jones and bring this letter to him. Can you do that?”

The bird bobbed its head in recognition.

Emma smiled. “Good.” She used the remaining twine to secure the package on its claw. “Now fly away. You certainly can do so more easily than I.”

The bird cooed, spread its wings and flew away.

Emma put her elbows on the windowsill and watched the pigeon. “Must be nice, being able to fly away whenever you want. Of course, it doesn’t know any different.”

A knock at the door startled her. “Ruby, open it please.”

The queen’s personal maid, Margaret, appeared on the other side. “Princess Emma of Misthaven, you are late for mid-afternoon tea. Her Highness requested I inquire about your condition.”

_ Shit,  _ Emma mouthed. In her excitement of receiving Killian’s letter, she had forgotten all about it. It happened every day at 2:30 p.m. like clockwork. Heaven forbid if you were late. “Tell Mother I’m sorry and I’ll be there in a minute.”

Margaret huffed. “She will not be kept waiting. She has another engagement at 3:00.”

_ For God’s sake, lighten up for one minute! Would it kill you to do that?  _ “I’ll be right there. And please don’t stand there glaring at me until I do.”

The older woman huffed in disapproval and left the room without another word. 

Emma groaned. “Can’t people lighten up around here? I’m late once in my entire life and the whole world is ending.” 

Ruby smiled sympathetically. “I hear you. Unfortunately, no one wants to change because it’s always been done this way.”

“When I’m Queen, that’ll be the first thing to go.” Emma muttered. “Well, I’m off to tea. Hopefully the royal guards won’t be called as a search party.” 

 

When Emma arrived in the tea room ten minutes later, Margaret gave her another dirty look. The princess chose to ignore her; she was done getting bent out of shape about failing to meet others’ standards. 

The queen, who had been conversing with other attendants, smiled at her daughter. “Emma, I’m glad you could join us.”

Emma sat down. “I am, too, Mother. Sorry I’m late. My previous activity took longer than anticipated.” She wasn’t lying. She’d planned a brief stay in her bedroom, but getting Killian’s letter was a worthy distraction. Of course, she wouldn’t tell her mother this. As far as Queen Snow White was concerned, her daughter was as pure as her namesake. Talking about sex resulted in relentless shaming in Castle Misthaven. 

“The Royal Navy returned today. I saw their ship from the top of the castle,” Claudette, a member of the royal court, said. 

Snow White nodded. “Yes. Captain Jones will brief the king and I about their mission right after this.”

_ So that’s why Margaret was so impatient.  _ The Navy was headed by Killian’s stubborn and overbearing brother Liam. The two balanced each other out and kept the crew in line. Both emphasized the importance of good form: following the rules, treating the crown and one another with respect. Emma sipped her tea, pretending to be unphased by the conversation topic. 

“Captain Jones is an upstanding man. The other one is a troublemaker. Up to no good,” Giorgiana, another royal court socialite, chimed in. 

Emma gritted her teeth. Killian’s worth far outweighed the opinion of an uppity socialite. Still, the statement angered her. Underneath the steely exterior was the kindest heart she’d ever met. 

The queen raised her hand. “Now Giorgina, Lieutenant Jones earned his position the same way Captain Jones did: hard work, persistence and acting in Misthaven’s best interests. I won’t hear another word against him.”

_ This is a good sign. No, this doesn’t mean she would jump for joy if something between Killian and I were to develop. Not that it’ll happen anyway.  _ Her mother was unaware of Emma’s acquaintance with Killian. Quite frankly, she knew painfully little about her daughter's inner life. Personal trauma didn’t have a place in a monarch’s public affairs. Again, Emma kept quiet.

 

Tea adjourned 20 minutes later. The Queen had to meet Captain Jones in five minutes. Still, she stayed behind and stopped Emma on her way out. “Sweetie, is something the matter? You’re awfully quiet this afternoon.”

_ I’m done with dealing with society’s bullshit expectations of me?  _ “Yes, but we can’t deal with it in five minutes before you run off to yet another meeting”

“I’ll make time if you need me to.” 

_ Blah, blan, blah I’ve heard it all before.  _ Emma would ask for uninterrupted one-on-one time with her mother and it never happened because her stupid staff was inflexible when it came to sudden schedule changes. “ I don’t expect it to happen, but okay.” 

The queen’s eyes dropped. “I always have time for my daughter!”

Emma shook her head. “Look, just forget it. You have more important things to worry about.” 

“Nothing is more is important to me than my family,” Snow White snarled. 

The princess hurried out the door, ignoring her mother’s distressed cries behind her. 

 

Emma skipped dinner that night. She had no interest in further escalating the issue with her mother. Therefore, she’d sent a clear message through Ruby to not bother her the rest of the evening or face unleashed anger. Ruby snuck a few sandwiches from the kitchen for them to munch on while getting ready for their respective adventures. 

 

Her royal blue wool cloak waited in her closet.  _ I’ll definitely need this tonight.  _ It was early December in the Enchanted Forest. Snow was on the ground, but not enough to shut the kingdom down. The most hazardous element was the wind, impossible to ignore in drafty underground tunnels and travelling outside.She grabbed the cloak, leather gloves, her warmest tan tunic, a blue vest, long underwear, black pants and lace up boots. 

 

Emma exhaled in contentment as she pulled up her trousers. “This feels so much better. I wish I could wear pants and a tunic all of the time.”

“I don’t know how you handle wearing those torture chambers of a corset.”

“Honestly? I don’t - not when my spleen is impaled daily. Sometimes I wonder if I was born in another life.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything here is superficial. It’s always a competition for who has the fanciest castle, most ornate ball gowns, gaudiest balls, or most desirable marriage. My parents have said they are the exception in arranged marriages. The others in this kingdom are bloody miserable.”

“You have to admit, the king and queen are sickeningly cute at times.”

“Yes, I agree. However, none of that stuff matters to me. I just want to have a positive impact on our subjects and help them live their best lives.”

“You could shack up with me in town.”

“No way in hell. An unmarried princess living with another woman? Rumors would spread like wildfire.”

“Not the first time, and I wouldn’t mind.”

“Unfortunately, I have a royal name to protect.”

Ruby wrapped a braid around Emma’s ponytail. “Which is making you miserable. Your happiness matters, too.”

The blonde smiled sadly. “I wish I believed that.”

“If you won’t listen me, maybe you’ll hear it from a certain blue-eyed gentleman.”

“I AM listening. Huge difference between not listening at all and not believing it exists for you because men are trash bags.”

“Hey! What did I tell you earlier?”

Emma rolled her eyes. “I know. Killian isn’t Fuckface.”

Ruby turned towards the open window. Hues of red, orange and purple had smoked amongst the sky’s outer edges. “Speaking of, you better get on your way, missy. Nightfall will be here soon.”

“Well, if a certain redhead quit playing with my hair, I would.”

“Almost done, sugar. Hey, you know I’m teasing you about Killian, right?”

“Yeah. He has an uncanny ability to read me like no one else can. Which may be a good or bad thing.”

“That’s for you to decide.”

“What? No more smart-ass comments?”

“My stance is as clear as day. Now you have to figure out yours on your own terms.

“You know me too well, Ruby.”

“Being your personal maid for half your life certainly helps.” Ruby pinned the wrapped braid in place. “You’re all set, sister.”

“Thank you.  Not just for the hair, but everything you’ve done.” 

“You’re welcome. Let’s go port hopping.” 

 

An unused study was located two doors from Emma’s. She’d gone in there out of boredom years ago. An unusual piece of flooring stuck out under a throw rug. She removed the rug and discovered a secret door. It lead to an underground passage that lead to the side of the castle. Unfortunately, one had to climb down the creakiesty ladder in the kingdom to get in and out. She stepped gingerly on each rung until she reached solid ground. Ruby followed a moment later  and the two set down the corridor. 

  
  


Seaford was located two miles from the castle. The biting wind made the journey seem longer than usual. Emma wondered why Killian wanted to meet at the docks. The air would be even breezier. But she knew the man grew up with the sea in his blood, so by the docks they would meet. Hopefully she could convince him to go to their favorite tavern. She saw Ruby off at Granny’s on Main Street before taking off to meet her lieutenant. 

 

He’s waiting for her when she arrives.  _ Ever the punctual man.  _ He’d developed the habit as the result of years of Liam hounding the importance of timeliness  in his brain. His back was turned in her direction, so she couldn’t see his face.The hood of his cloak was removed.  _ How can he not be cold? The air is blowing directly in his face.  _

 

Her footsteps give away her location, so he turns around. She stops in her tracks. Go _ d, he’s more handsome than I remember. _ Memory didn’t do him justice. Age added subtle contours in his face that hadn’t been present previously. Blue eyes still glinted in the pale moonlight. His tall frame was clothed in a plain cloak, tunic and pants. No one would know he was second in command for the Royal Navy. He caught sight of Emma and smiled before proceeding to bow his head slightly. “Hello, love”

Emma giggled. “Killian, you don’t have to be so formal.”

“Only common courtesy to show respect to a lady.”

“While I appreciate it, you can lift your head, Lieutenant Aren’t you cold?.”

Killian stood upright. “I was born cold blooded. You look beautiful tonight, Emma.”

“How do you know? It’s mostly dark.”

“You’re unmistakable. I’d recognize you anywhere.”

Emma blushed. Even though Killian was lavish with verbal praise, she didn’t quite know how to respond. Instead, she hugged him. 

The lieutenant was taken aback at first, letting out a surprised gasp. Yet he quickly realized she was serious and returned the gesture. 

“I’m so happy you’re back.” Emma murmured. 

“Aye, me too. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you.”

_ This man and his poetic words. _ She loosened her grip to meet his gaze. “Good. I missed you, too.” 

He smiled. “So what will it be tonight, love? Sit by the docks? Have a pint at Scar’s Cave?”

“Let’s get inside. I’m bloody freezing.”

“Rubbing off on you, am I?”

She playfully shoved Killian’s arm. “Shut up. Let’s go to Scar’s before we freeze to death.”

“Your wish is my command.”

 

Scar’s Cave was a tavern located off Main Street in town. They liked it because it wasn’t as popular as other establishments. Less of a likelihood being noticed and word about the princess’ secret rendezvous with unapproved men. They settled in a both in the corner and ordered their drinks: rum for him, mead for her. 

Their drinks arrived momentarily. Emma noticed his jawline was sharper than normal. She could read the tension all over his face.  _ Should I ask him about it or leave it alone? Nevermind, we both hate sugar coated bullshit. I’m going for it. _

“What’s wrong, Killian? You’re tense.” 

He didn’t answer her for a moment. He sips his rum as he processd her question.  _ He’s having the same internal debate I did _ . Finally he said: “I’ve heard rumors you were wed.”

She sighed. “I was.”

“Did you love him?”

_ Why would you care?  _ “No. My parents forced me into an arranged marriage.”

“You’re over age. Shouldn’t you have some say in the matter?”

“In a perfect world. Sadly, I was born into a family that values tradition and duty over personal fulfillment.”

“You sound bitter, Emma.”

She snorted. “No shit, Lieutenant.”

He laughed, his features softening considerably. “Such naughty language isn’t becoming of a princess, lass.”

“I thought you said titles are irrelevant.” 

“I was teasing, love. As long as we’re in common clothes, duties don’t exist. It’s just us.”

“Not many people say that in my world.”

“Are you still married?”

“If I was, I wouldn’t have gotten your message.”

“Fair enough. May I ask what happened?”

“You may, but that doesn’t mean I’ll tell you. It was traumatic, to say the least.”

He nodded. “I understand.”

“Be patient.”

“I have all the time in world. Unless the Jewel sinks and I drown.”

She playfully punched his arm. “Don’t joke about things like that.”

Killian shrugged. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m a survivor.”

_ He always says that. One of these days he could get himself killed. And  I would miss him.  _ She doesn’t dwell on the thought. 

After a moment’s silence, Killian cleared his throat. “Your parents want to ensure you’re provided for long after they’re gone.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Now you’re defending them?”

“Hear me out, Swan. Good intentions can also be misguided. What worked for them may not work in your case.”

_ I hate when he’s right.  _ “Correction: it didn’t. I won’t go through it again.”

“Might be your broken heart talking rather than rational thought.”

“Dammit, Killian. You’re reading me too easily.”

“Open book, remember?”

She huffed. “I don’t know whether to resent it or embrace it. It’s like no time has passed.”

Killian gulped. “Well, I hope you embrace it because a beautiful soul is written on those pages.”

She sighed. “No one has bothered to care. The kingdom knows Princess Emma of Misthaven, the glitz and glamour of waltzes and ball gowns. But I feel more at home in street clothes than I ever do in princess dresses.”

“Maybe you should wear them in public more often.”

“People wouldn’t take me seriously!”

“I would.”

“You’re not like most people, Killian.”

Killian pounded his mug on the table. “Why in the bloody hell do other people’s opinions matter so much? You’re destroying your happiness by valuing their comfort and values above your own.”

_ There he goes again, seeing right through me.  _ Emma gritted her teeth. “It’s a royal’s job. They sacrifice anything necessary so their people live in peace. No matter the cost.”

“Emma,” he continued gently, “I do not wish to upset you. You deserve the best of everything someone can offer you.  But this life isn’t it.”

“I know. It’s just revealing suppressed emotions I haven’t figured out how to deal with.”

Killian smiled. “You will. The woman I know always finds a way, no matter the odds.”

“Remarkable amount of faith you’re putting in me, Lieutenant.”

“I’ve yet to see you fail. Simple as that.”

_ If you only knew what I’ve been through the past few months.  _ “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, lass.”    
An awkward pause passed. “As much as I’ve enjoyed this, I need to head back to the castle.” 

Killian recognized Emma’s dismissal. He had reached a boundary line and knew it was unwise to push any further. “As you wish, princess.”

“Hey. I really enjoyed seeing you tonight. We’ll do it again soon. I just need some space.”

“I know, Emma. You take as much space as you need. I’ll be here waiting when you’re ready.” He kissed her hand. 

This gesture isn’t enough for Emma, so she initiated another hug. This time Killian hugs back immediately, needing reassurance he was still on Emma’s good side. She eased his anxiety by burying her head in his chest. A mix of salt water and rum tickles her nose as she takes in every sensation she’s feeling. The silky brown locks between her fingers, the touch of both his human hand and wooden version on her back, and most importantly, a sense of warmth that can only come from the person you trust the most. For the first time she was truly content. She could stay here for hours if time allowed. 

Unfortunately, the universe wasn’t so kind. Killian let go and stepped back. “So, I’ll see you soon?”

“Absolutely. Dream of me tonight.”

“Almost guaranteed. Goodnight, love.”

“Goodnight, Killian.” Emma put on the hood of her robe and walked away. 

 

Back in the secret passageway ten minutes later, she ran into Ruby. “Hey, I thought you were working.”

Ruby shrugged. “Business was slower than a snail. Granny insisted she could handle it on her own. Granny’s a stubborn one. Like a certain princess I know.”

Emma laughed “She sounds like a woman after my own heart.”

“You two should meet some day. You’d get along well. So tell me, how did it go?”

“It was fun, like always. We drank a couple pints and talked about life. A couple things bothered me, though.”

“Like what?”

“How easily he could read between the lines. We hadn’t seen each other for almost a year, yet he understood me in a way people who see me daily don’t.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” Ruby said. 

“I’m just not used to it. He uncovered emotions I want to keep buried.”

“You won’t heal unless you deal with them.”

Emma groaned. “I know, but it still sucks.”

“Life is difficult, period. Everyone has been shaped by their experiences in some shape or form. You can’t have happiness without pain, and vice versa. Maybe paradise is waiting on the other side of pain.”

_ You’re not subtle, Ruby. I know who you’re talking about.  _ “We’ll see. For now, I’d like to be alone. Wind down and process my thoughts.”

“As you wish, princess. You know where to find me if you need anything.”

 

Once enveloped in luxurious blankets, Emma reflected on her meeting with Killian. She had underestimated the safety of his arms. He held her with an intoxicating mix of strength and gentleness. The smell of salt water lingered in her nose from putting her head on his chest. The pressures of royalty and the trauma experienced while in Hunterfall faded away. No unrealistic expectations; she could simply exist and be loved. It was a feeling she had only dreamed about previously. The spot beside her was strangely empty without him, even though they’d never lain together. 

Nevertheless, rules still applied. Emma was supposed to only marry princes, dukes and the like. While Naval officers had some esteem, it’s wasn’t equal to a prince. One officer a few years back had tried to court Queen Snow White and had been dismissed immediately, although she suspected King Charming had personally ordered that one.  _ Dammit, why did I get born into such into such a restrictive life? I should be able to choose whoever I want.  _

Maybe she was done sacrificing her own happiness for the sake of the country. Maybe she was ready to leave her literal and metaphorical ivory tower and leave the past behind. But in order to do that, she had to confront a dark secret head-on. Based on their conversations this evening, Killian just might be the man for the job. Ruby was right: True healing came from direct handling of traumatic experiences. The idea of opening up her heart was terrifying, but so was being stuck in the same miserable pattern. It was time for change. A chance at her own happy beginning.


	2. Come Out of Hiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 months and 8673 words later, part 2 is completed! Thank you for your patience. The muse ran away with me on this one. I kept getting ideas and adding different sections. Easily the most personal piece I’ve written, except for When it Comes to Loving Me, from Little Bang 2018. All of my hopes, dreams, fears, and doubts are in here. I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable sharing this piece, but I hope y’all like it.
> 
> The latter half of this chapter includes emotionally heavy content: a past sexual assault attempt, past spousal abuse, a canon character death and references to alcohol abuse. It also includes present smut. The story ‘zooms out’ so to speak, which is why it’s rated Mature instead of Explicit.
> 
> Jordy... thank you is completely insufficient to show my gratitude. You encouraged me to do my best work, instead of giving into my self imposed pressure to put out a story without thinking about it.
> 
> Kaitlyn, I’m sorry I disappeared. I’ve been working my arse off on this and hope you love it as much as I did writing

Part 2: Come Out of Hiding 

 

Queen Snow White invited Emma to a private breakfast in her personal study the next morning. This was a big deal; the meal was usually held in the main hall, manned by every available servant. The princess wasn’t quite moved. She expected more lectures about not following royal protocol and pleas to let another douchebag prince sweep her off her feet.

 

“Good morning, Emma,”

“Morning, Mom.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Well enough. You?”

Snow grinned. “Quite well. I’ve already started planning a ball for the end of the week.”

_ Great, another chance to parade me around like a porcelain doll.  _ “How fun.”

“You’re not excited?”

_ Why should I be?  _ Emma shrugged. “Balls are a dime a dozen around here. It’s the same old routine: Schmooze, size up each other’s empire, waltz a few times with different monarchs, and drink ourselves into oblivion.”

Snow considered her daughter’s answer. “It doesn’t sound so glamorous when you phrase it way. However, we should celebrate our good fortune. Misthaven’s Royal Navy has returned from a successful mission unscathed. No wars in our immediate vicinity or evil queens to defeat. Maybe you could meet a nice prince.” 

_You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve met and rejected almost every prince she’s invited because they’re pompous asses._ _Does she expect me to magically fall in love with one of them? Fat chance._ “Not if you invite idiots with egos the size of Lake Nostos.”

“What do you expect? We’re rulers. Rulers, by default, associate with other upper-class socialites.”

_ Do you have any idea how tone deaf you sound?  _ “An effective ruler relates to all subjects, not just their counterparts. Forgive me for not desiring a man who lacks compassion for others.”

Snow hummed. _“_ A man of that caliber is hard to find, you know. Why are you so hostile about marriage, Emma?”

Emma sighed.  _ No shit, Mother. Why do you think I’m still single?  _ “I’m not opposed to marriage itself. A wonderful man may someday appear and convince me a life with him is worth building. The pressure TO marry, however, pisses me off.  Who I’m married to shouldn’t define me personally. I want to be a better leader, travel to new lands, broaden my horizons so our kingdom can prosper.”

“People will take you more seriously if you have a husband.”

_ Which is bullshit. _ “It shouldn’t be that way.”

“I’m not saying it’s right. Simply stating a fact.” Snow sipped her tea.

_ Wow, she’s actually nuanced. Imagine that.  _ “Didn’t you have a rebel phase? One where you questioned why you were being told to do something instead of blindly going through the motions?”

Snow White huffed. “I didn’t follow blindly! These are traditions kingdoms have followed for hundreds of years.”

_ Fuck tradition,  _ Emma growled internally. “Why do I not believe you? Something happened.”

“Not one particular event per se, but I remember the feeling. I was once like you. Maybe not as adamant.”

_ If you knew what I’ve been through, you’d understand.  _ “I never would’ve guessed.”

“Queens aren’t allowed to have emotions. Anyway, I was 21. My father told me I was going to marry a high-profile prince in two weeks. End of story. No negotiations allowed.”

“Just like that? No warning before hand?”

Snow White nodded. “None. Oh, I threw every verbal  punch I could think of, none of which worked. Finally, I threatened to abandon the groom at the altar and embarrass the whole kingdom. He reluctantly conceded we could meet three days beforehand.”

_ Why didn’t I think of that? _ “What if you hated him?”

“Not a valid reason to back out. Luckily, your father was kind, chivalrous, and charming. I decided marrying him wouldn’t be a disaster. Over the years, he fell for me, and vice versa.”

Emma hadn’t heard the full story behind her parents' union. She had to admit, it was straight out of a storybook. “Let me guess, you lived happily ever after?”

“Not quite. We’ve had happy moments. Mind you, plenty of anguish and pain, too.”

“If that’s the case, I wish you’d show more sympathy.”

“I suppose you’re right. I am blessed my situation turned out well. But not everyone is so fortunate.” 

_ Holy shit, we’re getting somewhere!  _ “I’ve tried to tell you that since I got back. Everyone says you’re a pious deity, but you gossip with the royal court like it’s your full-time job.”

Snow frowned. “Admittedly, I’m not the best judge of character.”

_ Considering my so-called husband attempted rape and arrested me for fraud when I fought back, understatement of the fucking century.  _ “I told you and Dad I was in trouble and you didn’t come. Your daughter sends a distress call less than a day after her wedding. Shouldn’t warning lights flash in your head? No, you sent a damn servant to rescue me!”

The queen stiffened her posture. “Listen, you don’t know half of the story.”

“Then why don’t you tell me? Aren’t I allowed to know who is controlling my life?”

“It’s not that simple, honey.”

_ Dammit, I thought we were connecting.  _ The princess threw up her hands. “Of course it isn’t! Nobody gives a damn about me in this castle anyway.”

“PRINCESS EMMA OF MISTHAVEN,” Snow White shrieked. “You take that back THIS instant.”

“Not when I’m telling the truth! I’m DONE stifling my feelings for the sake of the crown. Look, I’m 28 years old. Most women my age are already off ruling their own empires with an obnoxiously handsome prince and impossibly beautiful heirs. Where am I? Stuck at home trying to heal a failed marriage I didn’t want to begin with. Everyone has the audacity to ask when I’m jumping back on the scene like a disposable commodity. All I need is space to heal and make my own decisions.” Emma sighed. “Why am I telling you this? You won’t get it because everything went right for you.”

“Not necessarily,” the queen replied dimly. “I’m not as inflexible and apathetic as you think I am. Just a mother who is trying to do right by her daughter.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” Emma stood up and left the room. 

 

_ She shut me out. We almost had an emotional connection. Then she pushed me away. I shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve done the same, but it still hurts. It hurts when you crave approval and validation from your mother.  _ Emma’s throat tightened. _ Dammit, I wasn’t prepared for this. Stupid me for hoping I’ll ever have a meaningful relationship with her. She doesn’t care. _

 

_ Now, love, that’s not true. Good intentions can be misguided.  _

She stopped in her tracks at Killian’s observation.  _ Dammit, Killian. Get out of my head.  _ She knew he would understand her anger. He had been abandoned by his father as a child. 

She closed her eyes, imagining their last embrace. Sea salt tickled her nose, even though she was miles away. His hands caressed up and down her back. The steadfast warmth of his body against hers. She felt safe with him.  _ He would know how to comfort me. I’d love another hug, but he’d destroy my defenses. I’m not ready for that. _

 

Ruby looked up from dusting the dresser and noticed her friend’s temperament. 

“Emma, what’s wrong?”

“I blew up at the queen.”

Ruby frowned. “You mean your mother? Did you chew her ass out for selling you to Fuckface?”

“I’m not that brave. They’re having another ball in a few days because they can. She made a comment about finding a nice prince and I just … broke. I told her how lonely I’ve felt and how she’s pressuring me to get my shit together when I’m not ready.”

“What did she say?”

Emma cleared her throat. “Surprisingly, we had a moment of real connection. She was forced to marry Charming. Her father arranged the whole thing. Originally, they weren’t supposed to meet before the ceremony.”

Ruby gasped. “Bullshit. You can’t marry a man you just met.”

“Damn straight. Luckily, Dad wasn’t a monster. They fell in love; the rest is history.”

“I’m willing to bet they’re the exception rather than the rule. Everyone swears arranged marriage is ideal, but it isn’t.”

“Like my mother, they’re looking through rose-colored glasses. See, all I’ve ever wanted is her support and acceptance. I almost had it and watched that chance slip away, which hurts more than I’d like to admit.”

Ruby put her arm around her friend’s shoulders. “You’re allowed to hurt, Emma. She’s failed to show up for you on multiple occasions.”

“I wish I wasn’t so forgiving.”

“But then you wouldn’t be you. Emma, who believes in people’s goodness even though she’s been burned beyond belief. Your walls are sky high, but your ability to love far exceeds the height. Every recipient is damn lucky to have that love.”

“You know me too well.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No. The price of loving so deeply is the pain is just as intense, if not more so. So I wear my armor to protect myself.”

“It might protect you, but it also prevents letting love in.”

A tear streamed down her cheek. “I’m well aware. You know, Killian was in my head out there.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. We talked about my parents, and he said good intentions can be misguided. I got annoyed because I thought he was defending them. Honestly, all he gave me was an alternate perspective.”

“He’s good at that.”

“How would you know?

“Considering how rattled you get every time you talk to him, he’s getting under your skin, more so than usual.”

“We talked about some hard-hitting stuff last night, which gives me a lot to think about.”

“Don’t think too long,” Ruby teased. “The Navy might set sail before you know it.”

Emma sighed. “I know. He would understand my frustration. However, I’m not ready to face him in person.”

“You could write a letter. Release your feelings outward instead of inward.”

Emma didn’t consider herself much of a writer. Words were more Killian’s forte. Yet, the idea was appealing. “Maybe I will. Need to catch my breath, though.”

 

Killian,

 

I had a great time last night. It was so good to see you after a long time apart. Hopefully you’re staying in town awhile?

 

Mother and I had tea a little bit ago. It didn’t end well. We were starting to understand each other. Then she clammed up and resumed the immovable stone wall act. It shouldn’t bother me so much. I do the same to her all the time. My medicine tastes bittersweet. Still, it hurt more than I was ready for. All I want is her support while I make my own choices. We were close, yet it slipped through my hands.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Talk to you soon.

 

Love, 

Emma.

 

_ This is good. Gets my point across without being overly sentimental.  _

 

_ —— _

 

Emma,

 

I enjoyed seeing you as well. I apologize if I pushed too far. I have no immediate plans, as the Navy hasn’t issued any future directions. Make no mistake, love, I am in this for the long haul. 

 

I’m sorry you and Queen Snow White had a falling out. It’s natural to desire acceptance from those who brought us into this world. Unfortunately, some aren’t able (or willing) to provide that care. I stand by what I said. She wants what’s best for you. Your ideas of what that looks like simply differs. Quite a bit, I might add. I’m on your side, Emma. Please know that. I completely understand why you’re hurting. You have every reason to be frustrated. I wish I could take your pain and make it my own. Alas, it’s not to be. 

 

If you need any further assistance or support, you know where to find me.

 

Yours, 

Killian. 

 

Emma welled up again upon reading his note.  _ How does he reach me in a way only he can? _ His father, Brennan, abandoned him and Liam when they were children. His mother, Alice, died not long after from prolonged illness. Therefore, the brothers struggled from a young age. He’d been skeptical of Emma at first. What would a princess know about sacrifice? 

 

Surprisingly, they found common ground in feeling out of place in their roles. Their meetings became frequent and more personal in nature. As a result, he snuck into her heart unnoticed. They had an unspoken agreement to keep their relationship platonic. Yet considering Killian’s demeanor last night, she wondered if he desired more. 

The castle staff busied themselves with preparations over the next few days. Dignitaries from many kingdoms over were traveling to Misthaven and required places to stay. The spotless main foyer needed tidying up an absurd amount of times. Emma pretended to be excited, but couldn’t give a damn. The routine was the same: King Charming gives a speech, followed by the honored guest (Captain Jones, in this case). Everyone drank copious amounts of wine and attempted to dance - some better than others, as Emma learned quickly. 

 

Her thoughts always returned to Killian. If the servants were arguing about minute details, she wanted to vent about their foolishness. While she was picking out a gown to wear, she wondered what he would say.  _ He probably would compliment me regardless of the garment. _ The last option was a figure-fitting bright red dress. It fit like a glove, which sealed the deal.  _ Killian’s jaw will drop to the floor,  _ she thought _.  _  At night, she dreamt of him lying beside her and woke up disappointed when her bed was empty. 

 

Killian said he’d give her all the space she needed, but Emma was restless. She wanted him with her NOW. His kisses could be the elixir that her soul desired. She wanted to lie in his arms and forget about a life she didn’t fit into. His quick wit erased her troubles while his practicality kept her grounded. They could travel the realms together, promoting peace and equality for all. She’d always dreamed of being unconditionally loved by someone. He was easily the best candidate to make that dream come true. What was she waiting for?

 

The day of the ball, Ruby helped Emma bathe in the standalone tub. For special occasions, she had to be extra thorough, as a mere hair out of place could lead to severe social scorn. The princess dressed in a silky robe and sat in front of her mirror. Ruby rubbed Emma’s locks with a towel. 

After a moment, her friend paused. “Hey, is Killian coming tonight?” 

“I don’t know. If he is, I’m finding him and kissing the hell out of him.”

“Ooo, what’s gotten into you?”

“I miss him and I’m tired of hiding. We’ll figure out logistics later.”

“Wait a second. You haven’t talked to him for days and now you want to snog him in front of the whole country?”

“Well, I hadn’t said anything because I wanted to work through a few things.”

“I understand. He makes you feel in ways you never thought you would.”

“Yes, he does. Anyway, I told him the marriage had been traumatic but didn’t specify why. As you know, that conversation rattled me. I asked for space. Killian, ever the gentleman, has respected that request. The point is, he matters to me. It’s time I stop denying it.”

Ruby grinned from ear to ear. “I’m happy for you, Emma. Truly. I’ll make sure the corridors are clear in case you two need privacy.”

“I haven’t ruled out the possibility. What if he’s not there?”

“His brother is the honored guest. Liam wouldn’t let him live it down if he missed.”

Emma chuckled. “True. My brain defaults to worst-case scenarios.”

“It’ll work out fine. You’ll see.”

 

The ball began a few hours later. Snow White introduced Emma to several handsome dignitaries. One guy named Steven, Duke of Berkshire, was a decent dancer. He was perfectly nice, but she didn’t feel any spark. Steven agreed; at the end of the dance, he said she should find her true partner. Life was too short to do anything else. She thanked him.  _ I hope Killian didn’t get the wrong idea. I'd rather dance with him. Then go tell him, idiot! _

 

King David tapped on his wine glass, delaying Emma’s quest.  _ Great, now I have to listen to everyone drone on about Misthaven’s powerful empire _ . “Excuse me! May I have your attention please?” He called out in his most commanding voice. 

The crowd noise lowered to murmurs. 

“Thank you. As many of you know, our Royal Navy returned from their mission unscathed at the beginning of the week. On behalf of the kingdom, I congratulate their success and thank our lucky stars for their safe return.”

_ Amen to that,  _ Emma thought as she clapped along with the crowd _.  _

“Now, Captain Jones will us provide his insight into their travels and if any follow up is needed. Captain, the floor is yours.”   

 

More claps erupted as Liam stepped up to the podium _. With all due respect Liam, I’m not interested in your spiel right now.  _ With the room filled to capacity, Emma figured she could maneuver unnoticed with relative ease. 

However, seconds later, she noticed a familiar figure and stopped in her tracks.   _ It can’t be.  _ Prince Graham was standing ten feet away from her. He was her first love, existing long before Baelfire or Killian entered the picture. _ I buried him years ago.  _ She knew it was rude to stare, but he was the last person she expected to see tonight. 

The man looked over, eyes widening. Apparently, he hadn’t expected this encounter, either. They approached each other. “Hello, Emma.”

“Graham!” She exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“Being forced back on the market. Wife passed away in a horrific accident six months ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah. No rest for the weary, though.”

“God, tell me about it. I was forced to marry Prince Baelfire. It ended spectacularly.”

Graham coughed. “You married HIM?”

“I had no choice. It would’ve been disastrous for the kingdom if I hadn’t.”

“Ever the noble Emma. Taking the fallout for her people, no matter the personal cost.”

“I wish I didn’t have to.”

 

The conversation reached a lull and Emma’s eyes wandered to the ballroom floor. Liam had finished his speech and dancing had resumed. She noticed her parents among the dancers. Their matching grins spanned from ear to ear as they glided across the floor. _They love each other so much. If only someone could love me like that._ A twinge appeared in her throat. _I_ _should be out there with my partner._

 

“That could’ve been us,” Graham said wistfully.

_ How did you read my mind?  _ “Yeah. But you didn’t have to go along with your father’s plan.”

His face fell. “I do regret that. You weren’t supposed to find out.”

“Then everything we would’ve built would have been tainted.” She sighed. “I thought you were different.”

“You’re right. I would have come clean eventually because I can’t stand lying to those I love. Can you imagine the scandal it would have caused?”

_ Not on the same scale as Baelfire.  _ “Been there, done that.”

“May I escort you to the floor? Just for old time’s sake?”

If her sights weren’t set on Killian, she might’ve considered the offer. “No, thank you. I was looking for someone else before I ran into you, actually.”

“Ah. Does he make you happy?”

She nodded. “He does.”

“Then go find him. He’s a lucky scoundrel.”

_ Appropriate word choice.  _ She smiled. “It was nice to see you again, Graham.”

“Likewise. Goodnight.”

 

Emma turned her attention back to the floor. The previous song had ended and the crowd was dispersing. No sign of Killian.  _ Shit. Please don’t tell me he’s already left.  _ She moved through, ignoring any ploys for her attention. Her mind was focused on Killian; to hell with everyone else. They’d had their turn.

 

Finally, she saw him standing with Liam. His slumped shoulders and awkwardly distributed weight indicated a melancholy mood.  _ I’ve missed him all night. Maybe he has, too?  _

Liam noticed her first. He smiled and nudged his younger brother’s shoulder. “She’s looking for you, brother.”

Killian looked up and saw her. They exchanged smiles. 

Liam gently pushed Killian in Emma’s direction. “Now’s your bloody chance. Go ask her!”

Emma giggled. Even though the brothers were in charge of Misthaven’s primary military organization, the sibling camaraderie still existed underneath. 

Killian straightened his posture as she approached. “Your Highness! To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

Emma rolled her eyes. “Please don’t call me that. I want to see you, silly!”

“Me? Out of this crowded room of dignitaries and royals?”

“Killian, you know how I really feel about these people. The universe is conspiring to keep me away from happiness.”

“Fair enough. Would you humor a measly lieutenant for the last dance of the evening?”

“You’re not measly. And yes, I would.”

“Well then, love,” he extended his bent left arm, “shall we?”

She wrapped her arm around his. “We shall.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Liam was beaming with pride. He mouthed, “I told you so.” Killian playfully rolled his eyes in response.

 

Not everyone was equally supportive. She noticed a few disgusted stares as he escorted her to the dance floor. Their expressions indicated blatant disapproval. You’re dancing with HIM? She decided to ignore them because she and Killian were the only ones who mattered.

“Pay no mind, Emma. It’s just us. You and me.”

“As it should be.” She straightened her spine and clasped his hand. “So, did Liam know about us?”

“Not you per se. He knew I’d made acquaintance with a woman and I was quite fond of her. Of course, he saw the longing glances I cast your way and put two and two together.”

“What did he say once he figured it out?”

The couple started to twirl. “Bloody hell, little brother, you aim high.”

“For the record, I don’t live on a pedestal.”

Killian considered her response. “I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but you do cut quite the figure in that dress.”

“Not at all. You clean up nicely, too.”

“It’s not easy being devilishly handsome, you know.”

Emma smirked. “Now who’s putting themselves on a pedestal?”

“I’m not kidding. Damn near gashed my face trimming my beard this morning.”

“Oh, I didn’t notice.” 

Killian pouted. “What? I went through all that trouble for nothing?” 

“No! I meant if you cut yourself, I couldn’t tell. I was paying you a compliment.”

He shrugged. “If you say so, love.”

Emma laughed. This was her happy place. Trading good natured barbs with her dance partner without the pressure of life-long commitment hanging over their heads.  _ Wow, I’m actually enjoying myself. When’s the last time that happened?  _   
  


Killian cleared his throat. “Joking aside, I’d like to try something with you. If I may.”

“Is it publically appropriate?” Emma teased. 

“Yes, Your Majesty. It’s a dance move I’ve never done with a lady. It involves a certain amount of trust between partners.”

“I trust you,” she replied without thinking. 

“Then would you allow me to dip you?”’

The princess paused. Dips were typically done in romantically attached pairs and seen as a deeply intimate gesture. Doing one with a presumed stranger would raise eyebrows.  _ Meh, let them stare. They’re just jealous I'm having more fun.  _ “Yes, I would.”

“Hold on tight, love.”

 

Slowly, they descended together,  Killian gripping her waist with his left arm. She extended right one outward, just as she’d seen other women do in this pose. Surprisingly it helped her balance.  _ Wait, he’s holding me with his prosthetic? Don’t think about it, Emma. You said you trusted him.  _

“Alright there, Swan?”

A flash of a shirtless Killian straddling her appeared.  _ Shit, not now. As enjoyable as the thought might be.  _ “Light as air.”

He laughed. “You’re a smart mouth, aren’t you?”

“You knew this already.”

The strings started their ending chords. “True enough.”

Emma gripped her partner’s shoulders; her core was started to tire out. Killian took this as a cue to go back up. Only. he did it too fast and their chests smacked into each other. “God, sorry Swan!”

“No worries. You did great.”

He captured his breath. “That was…”

“The best waltz I’ve ever experienced.”

Killian smiled smugly. “Well, that’s because your partner knows what he’s doing.”

Emma lightly slapped his chest. “Don’t give yourself all the credit, Jones.”

“Ah! Watch the sore spot.”

“Speaking of, princes are notoriously horrible dancers. They step on my feet and don’t hold frame worth a damn.”

“I’m not surprised. Most don’t know how to treat a lady. Say, is the prince you married here?”

_ God, I hope not.  _ The princess hadn’t given Baelfire a single thought since she and Killian started dancing. “No. Why?”

“Oh, maybe we could’ve made him jealous. Seeing you happy with someone else instead of him?”

Emma smirked. “Bold of you to assume you’re the reason I’m happy.”

“If not, then explain that smile attempting to peek through.”

She chuckled. “I don’t need to because it’s real.”

Killian raised his eyebrow in disbelief. “Really?” 

“The past five minutes have been the best of my night. I'd rather not see it end.”

“It doesn’t have to quite yet. The ball isn’t over.” 

Emma glanced at the partygoers. “I don’t care about any of them. I want to be with you. Come to my quarters.”

His jaw dropped. “Wow. That’s rather forward of you, Princess.”

“I’m done adhering to society’s expectations. If they think I’m a whore for having an unapproved man in my private space, they can shove it up their arses.”

“Oh, are you trying to undress me?”

“Maybe I am. What’s the matter, Lieutenant? Can’t take the heat?”

Killian snorted. “Please, you couldn’t handle it.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Emma grabbed the lapels of Killian’s uniform and pressed her lips against his. He let out a surprised snort before wrapping his arms around her waist and cradling her lips between his. _Wow, he’s being gentle._ The coarse tuft in his goatee rubbed against her chin, providing an enticing contrast in texture. She also tasted remnants of rum. _Where did he get that?_

 

After they broke away, the magnitude of the encounter dawned on Emma. Fantasy had materialized into reality. His lips were now etched into her memory. Fear settled in. _You’ve revealed yourself to him._ _Run while you still can._

Killian searched her eyes for regret while his own reflected uncertainty. Had he run into a stone wall? Would she flee from his arms as quickly as she’d gone into them? “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. It's just… I haven’t been kissed like this in a long time.”

“In a good way, I hope?”

_ I can’t back out now. I’ve already made my intentions known. To hell with the consequences.    _

“The best. Did I taste rum, though?”

“Aye, you did.” Killian removed a silver flask from his coat. “No offense to your father, but the available fare was less than satisfactory.”

_ Figured as much. Sneaky bastard.  _ “He’s served the same tasteless wine for years. We’ve tried to convince him to serve something else, but it never works.”

“Will you report me for smuggling in unauthorized liquor?”

“Now why would I do that?” She whispered. “Especially when we have unfinished business.”

“Is that so?”

Emma responded by kissing him with more gusto. The sexual tension was building, and she would be a fool to let this opportunity pass. Killian didn’t miss a beat; he matched her tongue teasing and lip nibbling point for point.

However, he backed away first. “Emma, aren’t we supposed to be heading to your chamber?”

“We are, but kissing you makes me forget where I am.”

He smiled. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You should. Follow me, Lieutenant.”

“To the end of the world or time, Princess.”

Emma doesn’t stop to process his response. If she does, she may never make it to their destination. Instead, she led him through the castle to her room. The corridors were eerily quiet.  _ Everyone must be at the ball. Less chance of getting caught, anyway.  _

 

Once behind closed doors, the couple wasted no time. Killian kissed hungrily down her neck, a perfect blend of desire and tenderness

“Oh, yes.” Emma moaned.

“You like that?”

“Yeah. Keep going.” 

His intensity increased by slightly nipping at her skin after bestowing. He started at the base of her shoulders and worked upward. A sting at the base of her neck prompts, flashes of a different bedroom with another man. Baelfire’s marks inflicted pain. Her vocal protests were ignored and bruises remained for weeks. They moved like adversaries: tense shoulders, jagged arms, pushes and shoves in attempts to gain advantage. Resistance was met with overbearing power. 

 

“Love, what’s wrong?”

Emma snapped out of her daze, shivers circulating through her body. Killian stopped kissing her neck and studied her face with concern.  _ Dammit. Why did this memory come up now?  _ “Sorry. I’m just… thinking about what happened before.”

He rubbed her arms. “You’re safe. It’s just us. You and me.”

Emma continued breathing to steady herself. “I remember everything vividly. He bit my neck so hard I bruised for days. Among other things.”

Killian gasped. “Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”

“It was a hellish night.” Her throat tightened. “God, this is embarrassing.”

“No, it’s perfectly alright. You want to sit down?”

“Yes.”

Killian led Emma to her bed, where they both sat down. 

“I was already miserable because I’d faked through an extravagant ceremony pretending I was madly in love with the Devil’s son. The hickey I could’ve lived with. But… it didn’t stop there.”

“Did he hurt you?” 

“Not physically,” she whispered with a fallen tear on her cheek. “I’ve had nightmares off and on.” 

He wiped the wetness away with his thumb. “I’m sorry you’ve experienced trauma on such a level. It doesn’t reflect upon you.”

Emma’s throat tightened further. “No one has said that before. Society automatically blamed me.”

“You and I both know that’s not true.” 

“Yeah, but it’s hard to ignore the whispers behind your back.”

“Understandable. Who hurt you so, darling? Who has caused you so much pain and anguish?”

Killian spoke with a gentle tone, void of any demands or orders. This prompted Emma to lift her head and meet his gaze. “You know who Prince Baelfire is?”

His shoulders tensed. “Yes, I’m quite familiar with him.”

“How?”

Killian sighed. “That ventures into territory I’m not proud of. I was young and impressionable.”

“Hey, I don’t expect you to be perfect. I’m sure you have a past, too.”

“You sure you won’t run away screaming?”

She clasped his wooden hand between her fingers. “I promise, Killian.” 

He took in a breath. “I was just starting out in the Navy. I was… 20 or so. We were on a mission in Hunterfall. It was my first big assignment, so I was ecstatic. Then I met a lass in a tavern. A burly bloke was harassing her. I told him to leave her alone. Naturally, he beat me to a bloody pulp.”

“Why does this not surprise me?” Emma asked. 

“Like I said, not my proudest moment. Liam gave me a talking to later, believe me. Anyway, we formally introduced ourselves as she treated my injuries. I went back to the Jewel soon after. A few nights later, we both returned. She jokingly asked if I’d gotten into any more trouble. I said I’d behaved myself. Then she mentioned a skull necklace she saw under my uniform while tending to my injuries. I told her it was a symbol of rebellion. Her eyes became downcast. She wished she could rebel. King Rumplestiltskin, a crocodile of a man, threatened to slaughter her whole village if she refused to marry him.”

“That’s not manipulative in the slightest,” Emma said sarcastically.

“Lovely way to start a lifelong partnership, isn’t it? She couldn’t bear being responsible for others in peril.”

_ Misthaven could’ve suffered the same fate if I had refused.  _ “What was their marriage like?”

“Awful. He constantly talked down to her, berated her for trivial missteps, and expected actions he wouldn’t do himself. Six months post-marriage, he demanded an heir to the throne. Milah refused, citing their emotional dynamics. She refused to expose a child to that toxic environment. He gaslighted her, claiming she fictionalized the abuse. Milah fell pregnant with Baelfire the next year.”

Emma gasped.  _ Holy shit, I didn’t see that coming. _ “He never mentioned his mother. How old was he when you were together?”

“Teenager, 14 or 16. Honestly not sure because I never had a direct conversation with the lad.”

“How is that possible? You said you were familiar with him.”

“Oh, I haven’t gotten to the grittiest part yet, love. We met up a few more times during the mission’s remainder. She came by the Jewel of the Realm the morning we were to sail back. I wanted her to have a token to remember me by, so I gave her the skull necklace I mentioned earlier. Then I kissed her out in the open harbor. Wasn’t my smartest idea because we’d been much more secretive about expressing affection up to that point.”

“You didn’t want Rumple to find out.”

King Rumplestitkin was Baelfire’s father, who ruled with an emotionless iron fist. Furthermore, he was the Dark One, the most powerful villain Misthaven and its surrounding realms had ever seen.  _ No wonder Milah couldn’t refuse marriage.  _ “Exactly. Unfortunately, he appeared right as we broke away. Bae was with him. ‘You!’ he bellowed. 'you disobeyed me!’ She spat back she sure as hell wasn’t his property.”

“Damn right she’s not,” Emma agreed.

“This enraged him, as you can imagine. No woman had stood up to him before. I stepped in front of her and drew my sword, determined to protect her. Little did I know he had magic and a sword of his own. He cut off my left hand because I was caressing her face with it. Then he turned to Bae and said, this is how women betray you. You give them everything they want and they run off with the pretty boy scoundrels.” Killian closed his eyes. “He pulled out Milah’s heart from her chest and asked if I was worth her life. She said yes because I actually loved her. He crushed it and she died in my arms.”

Emma stroked his hair. Now she understood why Baelfire never addressed her affectionately unless he had something to gain. “Oh, Killian. I am so sorry. What a heartbreaking experience.”

“Liam ran over as soon as he saw the Dark One, but he and Bae disappeared in a cloud of dark red smoke. Obviously, I was incredibly emotional and embarrassed. I kept apologizing for letting Liam down. He reassured me I’d done the best I could given the circumstances.”

“He’s right,” Emma replied gently. 

“A young man’s mother was murdered because of me, Swan.”

“Not true. Look at me.”

Killian sniffled, then opened his eyes. 

Emma touched his chest. “Milah was trying to escape an abusive situation. It was a shitty way to approach it, but she thought it was her only option. You were naive and got hurt, but we all do.”

“You’re awfully kind, Emma.”

“Did you expect anything different?”

“No. Please, don’t misunderstand me. It’s not you. I just think I’m not worthy of such compassion.”

She frowned.  _ I know what that feels like.  _ “It’s not your fault, babe. Rumple is an evil man and would've punished her sooner or later. You loved her in a way she deserved. That probably meant a lot to Milah.”

He laid his forehead on hers. “Witnessing her best chance fade away is hard to swallow.”

She hummed, sliding her hands down his chest. “I’m sorry you had to see it.”

He closed his eyes and didn’t answer immediately. “Thank you, Emma.” 

“Why?”

“For listening and not judging. I couldn’t live with the guilt, so I started drinking heavily. It started with a few pints here or there after dinner.  I liked the taste, but numbing myself was the ultimate goal. If you don’t feel anything, it didn’t happen, right?”

Emma hummed again. She’d tried to erase what Baelfire did to no avail. “You can’t keep running, though. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Oh, I know, love. Nightmares replayed the scene every night. The more I consumed, the worse they got. I couldn’t sleep, which bled into working hours. Other sailors resented me because the higher ups didn’t punish me for not exhibiting good form. The only reason I was allowed to stay was Liam’s defense of my sorry ass.”

“You weren’t sorry, just used an unhealthy mechanism to cope.”

“You’re too kind, Emma. Anyway, five years ago I almost died from alcohol poisoning. Thankfully we were docked; I probably would have if we were at sea. After I recovered, Liam took me aside. He was the angriest I’d ever seen him. 'How fucking dare you scare me like that! You could’ve died!' I hung my head and apologized. He said the best apology was reformed behavior. At least attempt to clean up my act. He couldn’t make excuses anymore since his superior at the time threatened demotion for both of us.”

“What did you do?” 

“The disappointment in Liam’s eyes lit a fire under my arse. He knew the man of honor I wanted to be was still alive, just buried by years of wallowing. Returning was a long shot, but I owed it myself and those I loved to try. “

“You overcame addiction and healed from a painful past because you wanted a better life for yourself. You wanted to call your own shots, not letting someone else’s shitty decisions determine your fate.”

Killian snorted. “Believe me, all I had to blame was myself then. Yet I realized redemption was possible, if I fought hard enough.” 

“Rumple gave you a hell of a gut punch. But you punched back and said, no, this is who I am. You won because you fought to regain your sanity and peace of mind. That spirit earned you the second in command position.” She paused as his mouth opened with a ready-made rebuttal. “No, it’s not just because Liam is your brother.”

“You know me too well, love.”

Emma smirked. “Your book is the same as mine. And since we’re in story hour, I guess it’s my turn.” 

“Only if you want to.”

“Hmph. Not really, but staying in the dark won’t help, either.”

Killian nodded. “Fair enough. I’m not going anywhere, Emma.”

“Baelfire threw me into Hunterfall’s dungeon on our wedding night.”

“He put you in the brig. What for?”

_ What? He didn’t automatically blame me. _ “I didn’t do anything wrong. At least I think I didn’t.”

“It wasn’t your fault, darling. I promise.”

_How can he be so sure?_ _He doesn’t know the full extent._ She almost believed him, considering the tenderness in his eyes. She reached for his hand. If she was going to tell this story, she needed his strength to support her. 

He gently threaded his fingers with hers. “You don’t have to tell me, Swan.”

“I want to, though. I’ve kept it a secret for so long that the weight seems like a permanent part of my existence. It’s too heavy to carry anymore.”

He kissed her hand. “I’m honored you chose me to relieve this burden with.”

Emma was used to hand kisses. Numerous princes had introduced themselves with this gesture. Yet, Killian’s had more depth and meaning; it indicated he heard her confession and was ready and able to handle every secret revealed. 

“We were married in order to satisfy a debt the king and queen owed to Rumplestiltskin. He said the remaining balance would be forgiven. I have a funny feeling a catch will emerge at some point.”

“He always has one,” Killian grumbled. 

“As you can imagine, I was pissed when I found out. Seeing your future sold off in favor of a country’s well-being hurts.” She paused. “I haven’t forgiven them, and I’m not sure I ever will.”    
“You will, once your pain dwindles.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re a Charming.”

He chuckled. “I know your heart, Emma. Goodness prevails in the end.”

_ Damn you for reading me.  _ “I hope so. Anyway, he’s a narcissistic asshole, just like his father. I refused to consummate the marriage. But he was insistent, dragged me to his room, bruised my neck, and pinned me on his bed. I kneed him in the balls and shoved him off.”

“I knew you were a tough lass who could fend for herself!”

“Yeah, but the satisfaction didn’t last long. His guards rushed to his room. I was arrested for marriage fraud and assaulting the prince. He didn’t flinch as they took me away.”

Killian’s eyes widened in horror. “He did not.”

“I wish I was lying.” She gulped. “You aren’t blaming me?”

“No. Why would I?”

“Everyone else is. The town gossip implies I was a witch for refusing his advances.”

“Quite the contrary, Emma. He didn’t accept your rejection as gospel, then punished you when you stood your ground.” He growled. “Bloody hell. I could run my sword through his innards.”

“Don’t, Killian. It’s not worth it.”

“He hurt you in the most intimate way possible. Frankly, he deserves a fate worse than death.”

“Maybe, but you’d lose your position in the Navy.”

He shrugged. “It would be worth it knowing you’re safe.”

“You’d be the realm’s most wanted murderer.”

“My safety matters not.”

She brushed strands of hair behind his ear. “It does to me.”

Killian’s jaw dropped. “Why, Princess?”

“You’re the only one who truly cares about the woman I am underneath. Everyone else has strings attached or is blinded by royalty bullshit.”

“She’s a marvel. Finest in all of Misthaven.”

“You sure you’re not talking about your ship?”

“First, the Jewel of the Realm doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to the crown. Second, yes, I’m talking about you, Emma. Your heart is the most giving entity I’ve ever known. You always make sure everyone else is taken care of first. I only wish you’d accept that love in return.”

“Maybe I’m willing to,” she replied.

He arched his right brow. “Are you sure, darling? You’re incredibly vulnerable right now and I do not wish to capitalize on your pain.”

_ Typical Killian. Always thinks of my needs before his.  _ “Yes. I’ve never felt safer. Show me what being loved truly means.” She trusted him to heal the broken cracks in her soul.

He nodded. “Very well, my love.”

_ I like how that sounds. Being referred to as his beloved instead of a general term of affection. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Just let him take care of you.  _ “Will you help me out of this dress?” 

“Glady. Although you look lovely, I imagine what’s underneath will put this image to shame.”

_ You have incredibly high expectations, Killian. I hope you aren’t disappointed. _

 

His fingers worked quickly in loosening her corset. Emma teased she must not be the first woman he’s undressed. Killian replied she wasn’t, but it didn’t diminish the significance of what was unfolding between them. She had to turn her head after that comment because it meant he was present. He wasn’t thinking about anything other than the woman in front of him. Perhaps she could return the favor. 

 

One by one, they divested of each other’s clothing. This was interspersed with exploratory touches and extended gazes. Slow burn intimacy was a new concept for Emma. She was used to quick, get down to business and move on. Yet she resisted the urge to hurry Killian along. He gazed at her with a sense of reverence and wonder. He also hadn’t spoken a word while undressing. His silence made her feel incredibly vulnerable. What if he had fantasized about her and she didn’t live up to the image in his head? 

“Say something!” She blurted out once they were both naked. 

Killian shrugged. “What is there to say? I’m embedding every inch of you into my memory.”

She let out a breath she had subconsciously held. “You like?”

“Of course, darling. You’re most beautiful lass I’ve ever seen. What makes you think I felt otherwise?”

“I’m just not used to being admired.”

He nodded. “Would it help if I kissed you down to your privates?”

“Please do. I’ve wanted you to for quite a while.”

Killian kissed between her breasts. “Glad I’m not the only one who’s dreamt of this moment.”

“Let's just say you’ve appeared multiple times.”

He snickered and proceeded to kiss her stomach, his scruff rubbing into her skin. Her moans crescendoed the lower he went. Once he reached her folds, she shrieked in pleasure. The combination of scratchy hair and juicy lips against sensitive nerves proved too much to bear.  _ Oh shit, I hope no one heard that.  _

Sure enough, boots pounded on pavement in their direction. 

_ Fuck, you’re kidding me right now.  _ “Quick! Hide under the covers face down!”

“I’ll be given away!”

Emma lifted her comforter. “We don’t have much time, Killian. Just do it.”

He scrambled under and laid flat on his stomach. 

A deafening knock came a few seconds later. “What’s going on in there?”

Before Emma could respond, another voice appeared. “You bloody idiot! You’re not supposed to intrude on her Majesty's quarters unannounced!” 

“B-b-but I thought I heard screaming a moment ago.”

“The princess threatened harm to our nether regions should any trivial disturbances occur.”

Emma stifled a giggle.  _ Oh Ruby.  _ She hadn’t specified that type of punishment, but it fit the crime.

The guard continued, “Besides, if she truly were in distress, she has means of protection. Get back to your post before I report you to the Captain for defying orders!”

“Yes, sire,” the other one replied in defeat.

Footsteps stomped down the hall and Emma exhaled in relief. “Fuck, that was close.”

Killian emerged from the covers. “Quite the damning threat, Swan.”

“Ruby, my maid, exaggerated a bit. But I made it crystal clear any nonessential disruption would have dire consequences.”

“Huh, eager for me, are you?”

“Shut up and fuck me, officer.”

“If the lady insists.” He mounted himself into position over her, then carefully inserted himself. 

Emma gasped at the stretch. Initial entrances usually rattled her system, even after sufficient foreplay. 

“You okay, love?” He whispered.

“Yeah, it’s just been awhile. Don’t you dare stop.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied, pushing in farther. 

Emma stopped to fully drink in Killian’s body. A mixture of predatory lust and stupefied amazement was written on his face. His sculpted shoulders connected to toned arms, one partially hidden by a brace.  _ How is he holding himself up right now? I better not mention it. Complete mood killer.  _ Wisps of chest hair tickled her breasts. 

 

Their eyes and she blushed.

“What’s the flush for?”

“Not sure how to explain it other than I feel the impact of this moment.”

“Aye, me too,” he replied. “You’re absolutely breathtaking, Emma.”

The color in her face deepened. She knew he meant that statement and wouldn’t pressure her to say anything romantic back. Instead, she kissed him, intent on showing the impact of his praise. 

They broke away and a few seconds passed. “You’re allowed to move, by the way.”

“I don’t want to startle you.”

“Dammit, Killian, as much as I appreciate your gentlemanly instincts, move!”

“As you wish, love.” He pulled out briefly. Emma whined at his absence, but he returned to her almost immediately.  

 

Soon, Emma and Killian established a slow and steady rhythm. Communication evolved from words to varying pitches of moans and groans of pleasure or pain. The physicality satisfied her carnal urges. Still, this encounter meant more. Previous partners focused on scratching an itch. In contrast, Killian cherished her like the most precious jewel on earth. Every kiss, touch or thrust demonstrated his tenderness. Good sex paired with genuine emotion was a lethal combination. She wouldn’t accept anything less ever again.

 

She wasn’t always emotionally withdrawn. Ten years prior, she was naive, incredibly trusting, and oblivious to the manipulative side of love. Then she met Graham while accompanying her parents on a diplomatic mission in his home country. They immediately clicked. He was everything she hoped a partner would be: kind, smart, generous and shared similar interests.  They spent her entire two-week stay together. Before she left, he promised he would visit her in Misthaven. 

 

Two months later, Graham followed through. The couple picked up where they left off at first. In her limited scope, Emma thought no one else would love her the same way. Their personalities meshed well and they had similar goals: travel heavily, promote peaceful diplomacy and, wait to produce any possible heirs. Ten days into his visit, they had sex in the same bed she and Killian now inhabited. Graham’s father, King Louis, arrived the next day. Emma suspected ulterior motives were at play; the timing was too convenient. She was proven correct when she overheard King Louis and King David arguing about a marriage transaction.

 

Emma was devastated. How could her father sell her off to the highest bidder? And Graham willingly complied without telling her? She wasn’t a prize to be won! Physical intimacy and emotion became completely separate concepts. A mere craving to satisfy. She’d had a few one-night stands at Seaford’s local inn. Some were subpar. Others, including a townsman named Walsh, gave her a decent orgasm. They met up a couple of times before the Baelfire ordeal. But she never stuck around for the aftermath. No post-coital cuddling or longingly staring in her partner’s eyes. 

 

Until now. Lying next to Killian, she realized she wanted him to stay. The safety of Killian’s arms quieted her fears about allowing a partner so close emotionally. Their legs intertwined harmoniously. The rise and fall of his chest moved with wave-like smoothness. They experienced the epitome of ecstasy together, yet the subsequent stillness soothed her soul in a way she didn’t know she needed. 

Killian broke the silence. “How am I going to get out of here without getting caught?”

“Do you have to leave?” She pouted.

“Emma,” he replied gently, “I would love nothing more than to stay the whole night and wake up next to you. However, the king would have my head if he found us like this.”

“You’re right. I’m feeling selfish, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“The dutiful princess knows she has an image to uphold. However, my soul wants to prolong this moment as long as possible. Please stay.”

His lips spread into a closed-lip smile. “I’ll stay here as long as you’ll let me, love.”

“Good. Besides, there’s a secret passageway two doors down.”

“Is that so? How convenient.”

“Yeah. No one knows it exists besides me and Ruby. We’ve used it for years.”

“Maybe one day you won’t have to. We can be together in broad daylight, not just under the cover of night. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying this. But keeping secrets is exhausting.”

“Good point. I’m surprised how much lighter I feel by telling you what happened with Baelfire. I’m not as ashamed anymore.”

He smiled. “I’m glad. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“It still hurts like hell.”

“Understandably so. You were taken advantage of in the most intimate of circumstances.”

“Honestly, what he did doesn’t hurt the most.”

“How come?” 

_ Should I tell him how I escaped Rumplestiltskin’s castle and lived on the run until my rescue squad showed up? Which my parents weren’t included in? Nah, I've shared enough tonight. _ “Again, I’m the figurehead, the pretty face to promote the kingdom’s agenda. No one in the castle truly considers my needs or wants in any given situation.”

“I promise your trust isn’t misplaced.” 


End file.
